ripped by antsh
[music]
- NOW, WHY DO YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR MOM A LOT?
- WELL, I TEND TO USE
WHATEVER'S BOTHERING ME AT THE TIME.
- [laughing] RIGHT.
MOM IS EASY TO GO TO, RIGHT?
- YEAH, I MEAN, UH, AS FREUD SAYS.
- YEAH. - MOM IS--
- RIGHT. - LET'S START THERE.
- RIGHT.
- SO THAT'S WHERE I STARTED.
- WAS YOUR MOM, LIKE, A, UM--
- JEWISH. - JEWISH, RIGHT.
JEWISH.
- WHICH IS NOT THE-- NOT THE KEY PROBLEM.
- RIGHT.
SO YOUR MOTHER WAS A VEHICLE FOR HUMOR,
WHICH MEANS THAT THERE WAS EVERYTHING THERE--
PAIN, WHATEVER.
- WELL, I MEAN, I-I THINK, UH,
I-I USE BOTH PARENTS.
SO I USED TO JOKE A LOT ABOUT MY FATHER,
AND THEN MY MOTHER SAID TO ME,
"HOW COME YOU ONLY JOKE ABOUT YOUR FATHER
AND NOT ME?"
- OH.
- THEREBY OPENING UP THE, UH,
PARTING THE SEA--
- RIGHT.
- AND ALLOWING ME TO TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER.
- I SEE. - UNTIL SHE SAID, "GEE,
WHY ARE YOU SAYING THOSE THINGS ABOUT ME?"
- RIGHT.
- SO, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS,
BUT THE FACT THAT SHE SAID, "GEE, WHY DON'T YOU--"
THE FACT THAT SHE'S-- [chuckles] INTO MY ACT--
- [laughs] YEAH, RIGHT.
- AND SAYING, "HOW COME I'M NOT IN YOUR ACT MORE?"
- RIGHT.
- DOES THAT GIVE YOU A BEGINNING
OF UNDERSTANDING THE ISSUE?
- YES. - I MEAN--
- I'M STARTING TO GET IT.
- YOU KNOW, THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU--YOU--
YOU LET YOUR CHILD NOT ONLY, UH,
LEAD HIS OWN LIFE BUT DO HIS OWN ACT ONSTAGE.
SO I THINK THAT'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE, ISN'T IT?
DOESN'T THAT KIND OF SAY IT ALL?
"HOW COME I'M NOT IN YOUR ACT MORE?"
- PLEASE LET GO OF THE ACT, RIGHT?
- YES, LET ME HAVE THAT. LET ME HAVE SOMETHING.
- I'VE GOT TO LEAD MY OWN LIFE.
AT LEAST LET ME TALK ABOUT THINGS MY OWN WAY.
- YEAH. IT'S TAKEN ITS COURSE TO THIS.
UH, MY MOTHER, WHO'S JEWISH, WANTED TO MARRY ME...
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT--
I KNOW TO PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT JEWISH,
THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF THEM.
- RIGHT, RIGHT. - BUT THE FACT IS,
IS IT WAS SO ODD TO ME THAT, AS A RESULT,
FOR MANY, MANY YEARS, I WOULD PICK WOMEN
THAT WERE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF MY MOTHER,
WHICH IS WHITE GENTILE COCAINE ADDICTS.
- YEAH. - RIGHT?
- RIGHT. - THIS IS ALL TRUE.
WOMEN WHO HAD BEEN ABUSED AND HIT BY GUYS AND ALL THAT.
- RIGHT. - IT'S A FACT.
- RIGHT, YEAH. - YOU KNOW, THAT'S--
BECAUSE I HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONCE WHO WAS JUST YELLING
AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS,
AND I SAID, "MY GOD, A MAN HIT YOU, HASN'T HE?"
AND SHE SAID, "YES," AND I SAID--[chuckles]
"I CAN TELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT."
- [laughs]
- AND, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T--
[chuckles]
I CAN'T EVEN HIT A DOG.
I ROLL UP NEWSPAPER AND HIT MYSELF AND SAY,
"THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU."
AND--AND IT HURTS REAL BAD.
- UH, LARRY, ARTIE, PHIL, THIS IS WENDY.
- HI. - WENDY TRASTON.
- HI. DAVE LETTERMAN. - HI.
- WENDY, CHEERS. - HI.
- SO I LOVED YOUR MATERIAL.
I PARTICULARLY LIKE THIS, UH, PRISON JOKE.
- YEAH, ABOUT, UM, PUNISHING CRIMINALS
BY MAKING THE PRISON BARS HORIZONTAL
SO THE PRISONERS--
Larry and Wendy: - FEEL FATTER.
- LARRY DOES ALL THE PUNCH LINES AROUND HERE.
- SORRY. - THAT'S OKAY.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
- SO YOU'VE NEVER WRITTEN FOR A TALK SHOW BEFORE.
- NO, BUT I'VE SEEN A LOT OF TALK SHOWS.
- OKAY, SO WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK ON THIS SHOW
AS OPPOSED TO, UH, LET'S SAY, UH...
JAY LENO?
- I LIKE THIS SHOW BETTER. - REALLY?
HAVE YOU HEARD IT'S TOUGH OVER THERE?
BECAUSE I'M HEARING A LOT OF BAD THINGS
ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
WE JUST HAD A WRITER COME IN.
HE SAID IT'S A FUCKING SWEATSHOP OVER THERE.
- OH, HE'S JUST SETTING YOU UP. - REALLY?
- OH, YEAH. - WE ALL LOVE JAY AROUND HERE.
HE'S JUST KIDDIN' YA. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- [laughs nervously] - WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
- I KNOW THIS SEEMED SHORT TO YOU,
BUT YOU JUST WERE TERRIFIC.
- YEAH, UH, THANKS. - HAVE A NICE DAY.
- WOULD YOU LIKE A PIECE OF SANDWICH TO GO?
- EXCELLENT. - HEY, THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU. - THAT'S OKAY.
WE'RE ONLY GONNA HAVE TO FREEZE IT.
- NOW, IN YOUR BOOK, YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR DAD,
RIGHT, WHO IS SORT OF INTERESTING.
TELL ME ABOUT HIM. - UH, YOU KNOW,
MY DAD IS...FUNNY. HE'S A REAL CHARACTER.
HE HAS A VERY THICK BOSTON ACCENT
THAT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO, UM,
UNDERSTAND, EVEN FOR ME.
AND, UH, HE-- YOU KNOW, WHEN HE--
WHEN I WAS THREE, HE TAUGHT ME
A WHOLE BUNCH OF SWEARS,
AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS, YOU KNOW,
THIS LITTLE TODDLER SAYING SWEARS.
AND ALL THESE ADULTS WOULD BE SHOCKED AND, LIKE,
GIVE ME SO MUCH, UH--
- ATTENTION.
- ATTENTION AND, LIKE, UM--
- APPROVAL? - APPROVAL, YEAH.
LIKE, TO GET THIS KIND OF APPROVAL FROM GROWNUPS,
AND THEY'RE, LIKE, DELIGHTED AND LAUGHING--
- MM-HMM.
- I BECAME ADDICTED, LIKE, AT A VERY YOUNG AGE
OF THE--TO THIS, LIKE, SHOCK, YOU KNOW, THAT--
I GOT SO MUCH APPROVAL AND SO MUCH, UH,
POSITIVE FEEDBACK, YOU KNOW--
- MM-HMM. - FROM GROWNUPS,
FROM SAYING THINGS THAT WERE SHOCKING,
THAT IT DOESN'T-- IT ISN'T SO SURPRISING,
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THAT IT WOULD INFORM
MY LATER LIFE TO BE IN THE KIND OF COMEDY I DO.
- TO PUSH THE ENVELOPE, YEAH.
- YEAH, I GOT REWARDED FOR IT.
- YOU GOT REWARDED FOR IT. - AT A YOUNG AGE.
- RIGHT. - SO IT MAKES TOT--
IT'S SO SIMPLE NOW, YOU KNOW.
- WHAT WAS THE FIRST PIECE OF MATERIAL
THAT SORT OF CAME, AND YOU STARTED TO FEEL,
"WAIT, WAIT, I'M GONNA BE A STANDUP SOMEONE."
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS?
- I THINK ONE JOKE THAT I WROTE IN HIGH SCHOOL
THAT I WAS DOING, YOU KNOW, WHEN I MOVED TO NEW YORK.
UM, MY FRIEND ASKED ME IF HER BREATH SMELLED, UH--
IF HER BREATH SMELLED LIKE TACOS.
[huffs]
AND I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU PUT SHIT IN YOUR TACOS?"
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, IT WAS, LIKE, SIMPLE STUFF.
[giggles]
- THE OTHER DOG IS THIS IRISH SETTER,
AND IRISH SETTERS ARE TOO HYPER AND INBRED,
LIKE MY COUSIN STUART, AND, UH--
[laughter]
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT THUNDERS--
SHE DIGS UP THE CARPET TO GET UNDERNEATH THE CARPET
TO GET AWAY FROM THE THUNDER.
AND THE VET GAVE ME THESE ANIMAL TRANQUILIZERS
TO GIVE HER, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE DOGGIE DOWNERS OR SOMETHING.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
BUT THEY TASTED REAL MINTY, AND THEY WERE HARD TO SWALLOW.
[laughter and applause]
- WHEN YOU DO MATERIAL,
DID YOU USE, LIKE, GIRLFRIENDS,
AND DID YOU CALL ON, LIKE, THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO YOU
WHEN YOU WERE DATING AND STUFF LIKE THAT?
- WHEN I WAS WORKING CLUBS, WHEN I WAS FIRST STARTING--
AND I'VE NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT THIS,
AND IT MAY NOT INTEREST YOU--
UH, YOU KNOW, I WOULD MEET A YOUNG LADY,
AND THEN I WOULD GO BACK TO THE--TWO MONTHS LATER,
AND I WOULD SEE HER AGAIN AND GO OUT WITH HER.
AND ONE TIME I WAS ONSTAGE IN DETROIT AT THIS CLUB,
AND I SAID--YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY DOG,
AND I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY IRISH SETTER,
AND I HEAR FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM,
"I THOUGHT YOU HAD A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!"
AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.
AND I--AND I STOOD THERE FOR A SECOND
BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE ONSTAGE--
AND THIS IS AN INTERESTING MOMENT--
YOU'RE COMPLETELY OPEN,
AND YOU SORT OF HAVE A TRUTH DETECTOR WORKING,
AND YOUR INSTINCTS ARE WORKING.
YOU CAN'T SEE, BUT YOU LEARN TO FEEL THINGS
ALMOST LIKE A PSYCHIC.
- SURE. - YOU CAN FEEL THE ROOM.
- SURE, YEAH.
- AND I DIDN'T HAVE A QUICK COMEBACK,
WHICH I FOUND INTERESTING.
UH, AND MY WHOLE RESPONSE IN THIS MOMENT,
WHICH WAS, LIKE, SORT OF A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,
IS SHE YELLS THAT OUT,
WHICH DOESN'T-- WOULDN'T NORMALLY THROW ME,
EXCEPT I--THE-- THE VOICE SOUNDED FAMILIAR.
AND AS I WAS ONSTAGE, IN THE NEXT SPLIT SECOND,
I REALIZED, "OH, MY GOD. THAT'S MY DATE.
"MY DATE IS HECKLING ME IN A ROOM FILLED
WITH 300 PEOPLE."
- YEAH. - AND SHE'S YELLING,
OF COURSE,
"I THOUGHT YOU HAD A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!"
AND SHE TRIED TO SAY SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS HELPING--
- YES, OF COURSE.
- WHEN SHE FINALLY ADMITTED IT WAS HER.
FIRST SHE DENIED IT WAS HER.
- OH, RIGHT.
- I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT IN A SPLIT SECOND
HOW TO MAKE IT FUNNY
'CAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY STUNNED AS A HUMAN BEING--
- THAT YOUR DATE--
- THAT MY DATE WAS HECKLING ME!
- YEAH.
- I'M USED TO IT WHEN IT'S NOT IN A CLUB.
- YEAH.
A DRUNK-- A DRUNK IS OKAY,
AND NOT IN THE CLUB, BUT--
- YEAH, YOU CAN SAY ANY-- - NOT ON YOUR FIRST DATE.
- I'VE ALWAYS SAID YOU'RE FREE TO SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.
[laughs]
- BUT NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ACT.
- NO. - I DON'T MIND IF I'M--
IF WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING LOVE, AND YOU SAY,
"YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU HAD AN IRISH SETTER."
THAT'S FINE. - YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- SHE YELLS OUT SOMETHING ELSE AGAIN THAT'S SIMILAR, LIKE,
I THINK I WAS DOING AN OLD JOKE
ABOUT I HAD JUST GOTTEN A PORSCHE.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S "PORSH" OR "PORSH-A".
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT. - RIGHT.
- BUT I HAD A "TOYOTE".
IT'S OLD. FIRST JOKE YOU DO.
- YES, YES.
- 25 YEARS AGO OR MORE.
- YEAH. A "TOYOTE".
- RIGHT? A STUPID JOKE.
AND SHE YELLS, "I THOUGHT YOU HAD A DATSUN!"
SO SHE WASN'T A GOOD HECKLER 'CAUSE IT WAS--
[chuckles] SHE HAD A FORMULA.
- SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THE JOKE WAS.
- BUT SHE HAD A THEME. - IT WAS--
IT WASN'T EVEN, YOU KNOW-- YOU CAN--YOU CAN--
I'VE HAD HECKLERS WHERE, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE LOADED, THEY'RE HAPPY, THEY'RE UNHAPPY, THEY'RE--
YOU CAN FEEL EVERYTHING.
- YEAH. - THIS ONE, TO THIS DAY,
THROWS ME BECAUSE IT'S MY DATE.
- YEAH, YOU KNOW IT.
- THERE'S NO ANGER ATTACHED TO IT,
BUT PURELY SOME KIND OF ABSTRACT...
SHOUTING.
- YES. - INDISCRIMINATE.
- YEAH.
- INABILITY TO CONTROL HERSELF.
AND TOO MUCH ALCOHOL.
- SOUNDS LIKE YOUR KIND OF GIRL, RIGHT?
- WELL, WE WENT OUT A COUPLE MORE TIMES.
- YEAH, RIGHT. - AND--
[laughter]
- WHEN YOU DID THE CONCERT IN SAN DIEGO FOR THE T.E.D.--
- T.E.D., YEAH, T.E.D.
TECHNOLOGY, ENTERTAINMENT, DESIGN.
- WHAT DID YOU DO THAT OFFENDED THEM SO MUCH?
- WHAT UPSET THEM WAS--
IT--THE OVERALL THEME OF T.E.D.
THAT THEY SAY TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN WRITING YOUR PIECE
IS, UM--THIS YEAR WAS "WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW".
AND I TALKED ABOUT POPULATION
AND HOW THERE ARE ALREADY SO MANY CHILDREN ALREADY BORN,
AND THAT I WOULD LIKE TO ADOPT A...
A MENTALLY CHALLENGED BABY.
AND, UH-- BUT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU MAKE A DECISION LIKE THAT,
YOU HAVE TO EMBRACE ALL THE UGLY THOUGHTS
THAT COME TO YOUR MIND.
AND ONE THING I REALIZED WAS THAT
THE BEST CASE SCENARIO
IS THAT I DIE OF OLD AGE AT 100,
AND I'LL STILL BE WORRIED ABOUT WHO'S GONNA CARE
FOR MY ELDERLY RETARDED CHILD.
SO I CAME UP WITH A SOLUTION
THAT WORKS FOR ME, WHICH IS,
I AM GOING TO ADOPT A MENTALLY CHALLENGED BABY
WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS.
NOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,
"WHAT KIND OF PERSON LOOKS TO ADOPT
A MENTALLY RETARDED BABY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS?"
- YEAH. RIGHT, YEAH.
[chuckles]
- AN AMAZING PERSON.
- YEAH.
SO DID YOU FEEL THE AUDIENCE WITHDRAW?
- NO. - THEY DIDN'T.
SO THEY WERE LAUGHING. AND THIS--
THIS BROUHAHA OCCURRED AFTERWARD.
- I'M USED TO HAVING A LITTLE BIT--
LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT, BUT THE CROWD WAS GREAT.
AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE NEXT DAY,
I WAS DRIVING TO VISIT MY MOM,
AND I SAW ON TWITTER THAT THIS GUY, THE CURATOR,
HAD TWEETED TO HIS MILLION AND A HALF FOLLOWERS
THAT I WAS AWFUL.
AND, UM, I JUST FELT SO BETRAYED.
LIKE, THEY INVITED ME TO GO THERE.
I HAD MY MANAGER DOUBLE-CHECK THAT THEY KNEW
WHAT I DID AND WHO I WAS. - YES, RIGHT.
- I TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE BEFOREHAND.
SO IT JUST FELT-- AND THEN NOW I FEEL BAD
BECAUSE, SINCE THAT HAPPENED,
I FEEL I HAVE EVISCERATED HIM, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, I JUST--
I PUT SOMETHING ON TWITTER AFTER HE WROTE THAT.
I STAR--TRIED TO NOT SAY ANYTHING,
AND I WAITED A COUPLE DAYS,
AND THEN I FOUND MYSELF WRITING, UM...
"KUDOS, CHRIS ANDERSON,
"FOR MAKING T.E.D. AN UNSAFE HAVEN FOR ALL.
"YOU ARE A BARNACLE OF MEDIOCRITY
ON BILL GATES' ASSHOLE."
- [laughs]
- 'CAUSE I JUST FEEL LIKE HE'S SOMEBODY WHO--
AND THIS IS WHY I SHOULD BE COMPASSIONATE
AND NOT WRITE THAT.
- BUT--BUT IT INSPIRED YOU TO POETRY.
"A BARNACLE ON BILL GATES' ASS" IS POETIC.
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
I MEAN, IT'S OBNOXIOUS TO QUOTE YOURSELF,
AND I'VE BEEN DOING IT,
BUT IT--I AM A LITTLE BIT PROUD OF IT, I THINK.
AND I SHOULDN'T BE. I SHOULDN'T BE.
BUT IN ALL HONESTY,
I THINK I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LIKE I PUT TOGETHER
A VERY WELL CONSTRUCTED SENTENCE.
- [laughing] YEAH, YOU DID.
- I MEAN, I JUST-- IF ANY LESSONS, YOU KNOW,
THAT MAYBE HE WOULD GLEAN FROM THIS,
BESIDES YOUR WONDERFUL, YOU KNOW, PROJECT OF T.E.D.
SHOULD BE A SAFE HAVEN FOR PEOPLE
AND NOT SOMEPLACE WHERE IF YOU--
- SURE.
- BLOW IT, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE OR SOMETHING,
IS, UH, YOU REALLY CAN'T FUCK WITH COMICS, YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- I LEARNED EARLY THAT THE "C" WORD,
WHICH I HAPPENED TO ACCIDENTALLY MUTTER ONSTAGE,
UH, FROZE THE ROOM.
- MM-HMM. - AND I COULDN'T GET THEM BACK.
AND I NEVER FORGOT THAT.
I NEVER FORGOT HOW IT WAS THE ONE WORD
THAT, BACK IN THOSE DAYS, YOU COULDN'T SAY.
AND SO, UM--
- STILL SHOCKING, SOMEHOW.
- IT'S STILL SHOCKING. - RIGHT.
- SO I SAID, "I KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD."
AND I'LL SAY IT ONSTAGE NOW IN A SMALL CLUB,
AND, UH, IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE "N" WORD,
WHERE YOU--YOU CAN'T USE THE "N" WORD,
BUT A BLACK PERSON CAN USE IT WITH ANOTHER BLACK PERSON.
- CORRECT.
- SO I'LL ALWAYS WONDER IF A "C" WOMAN--
[giggling] CAN--CAN SAY TO ANOTHER "C" WOMAN,
"WHAT UP, CUNT?"
- YEAH, AND IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY.
- AND FINALLY, I ASKED A WOMAN.
I TOLD HER THAT ROUTINE, AND SHE SAID YES.
YOU CAN. THEY--THEY DO.
- YEAH. - AND I--
AND I THOUGHT A SECRET HAD BEEN REVEALED TO ME.
- [laughing]
IT'S ALL RIGHT IF IT'S A TEAM,
BUT YOU CAN'T BE OUTSIDE OF THAT TEAM.
- I REMEMBER TELLING CHRIS ROCK THAT JOKE,
LIKE, A YEAR AGO AT THE-- AT THE DINNER TABLE.
[chuckles] AND HE SAID,
"YOU GOTTA OPEN WITH THAT."
- NOT A GREAT OPENING.
- WELL, HE SAID, "THAT LETS 'EM KNOW YOU'RE,
"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DOING A DIFFERENT STYLE
THAN THEY'RE USED TO." - RIGHT.
BEDWETTER.
I HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK,
BUT EVERYONE TELLS ME HOW FUNNY IT IS
AND ALSO HOW TOUCHING IT IS,
THAT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WENT ON IN YOUR LIFE
FOR A LONG TIME.
HOW DID THE HUMOR COME FROM THAT?
DID IT--
- FROM BED-WETTING? - YEAH, YEAH.
- [sighs] I DON'T KNOW IF IT CAME FROM THAT.
I MEAN, I THINK THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE
THAT CAUSED ME TO BE FUNNY
AS A SURV-- MEANS OF SURVIVAL.
BUT I THINK WHAT BED-WETTING GAVE ME ULTIMATELY WAS--
YOU KNOW, BEING A BED-WETTER AND BEING SENT
TO SLEEPOVER CAMP EVERY SUMMER, AND--
- RIGHT.
- IT'S JUST SUCH A RECIPE FOR SHAME AND HUMILIATION.
- YEAH. - AND, UM,
IT, UH-- I THINK THAT WHEN I--
WHEN I FIRST STARTED TO DO STANDUP,
UM, THE FACT THAT THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN
IS I BOMB WAS, LIKE, NOTHING TO ME.
YOU KNOW?
- RIGHT, RIGHT. - I WAS JUST LIKE--
- YEAH, THAT'S--
- NO PROBLEM. - THESE ARE STRANGERS.
- AND I DID, YOU KNOW--
- RIGHT, RIGHT. - REPEATEDLY BOMB.
BUT IT STILL WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO--
- TO THE ACTUAL--
- BEING A CHILD AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
AROUND PEERS OF CHILD-- YOU KNOW,
YOUR PEERS AND, YOU KNOW,
MAKING UP YOUR CAMP COT OVER YOUR WET SHEETS,
YOU KNOW, WITH HOSPITAL CORNERS, AND--
NOT THAT IT WAS THE--
IT WASN'T THE HOLOCAUST, BUT IT WAS, LIKE,
THE SECOND-WORST.
- [laughing] YEAH.
YEAH, AMERICANS DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD.
I MEAN, YOU DO. YOU'RE A MAN OF THE WORLD.
BUT AMERICANS DON'T REALLY KNOW MUCH.
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING YOU SAID,
'CAUSE YOU'RE CANADIAN.
- YES, I AM A CANADIAN.
- NO, AMERICANS DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH
ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON OUTSIDE OF THEMSELVES,
LET ALONE OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY.
IT'S A SORT OF NARCISSISTIC CULTURE.
BUT, UH, WOW, WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT 2012
AND WHAT CATASTROPHE'S GONNA HAPPEN.
I THINK THERE'S GONNA BE JUST--
IT'S GONNA BE SUICIDE.
I THINK THAT THE WORLD'S GONNA DIE.
IT'S JUST GONNA KILL ITSELF.
I THINK JACK KEVORKIAN WOULD'VE GOTTEN A CALL FROM EARTH,
SAYING, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE."
- [laughing] A CALL.
- "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING."
"COULD YOU PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY?"
- "PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY." - YEAH.
- "ONE MORE BIG BANG, WHAT DO YOU SAY?"
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
WOULD YOU EVER, UH, DO YOU THINK--COULD YOU EVER--
- COMMIT SUICIDE? - NO--YEAH, WELL,
I GUESS IT'S COMMITTING SUICIDE, YEAH.
- I'VE WRITTEN A NOTE.
- YOU HAVE. - MM-HMM.
- YOU HAVE IT READY? YOU HAVE A NOTE READY?
NO, YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN A NOTE.
- I DID. - REALLY? WHAT IS--
WHAT'S ON-- - "I'M NOT MAD AT ANYONE.
THIS IS JUST SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO FOR MYSELF."
- SO--SO-- [laughing]
- THAT'S MY SUICIDE NOTE.
- WELL, IT'S SUCH A--
IT'S A VERY GENEROUS SUICIDE NOTE.
- UH, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, IN A WAY.
- 'CAUSE YOU KNOW--
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO ME
ARE GONNA BE PISSED WHEN THEY READ THIS.
- BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU--
HEY, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DO THE FOREWORD FOR THE NOTE.
IF YOU WOULD DO IT, THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
- SURE.
- "I KNOW GARRY IS A VERY STABLE MAN."
- YEAH.
- "IF HE'S DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS,
THERE MUST BE A GOOD REASON." - RIGHT.
- "AND I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE FASCINATED
WHEN YOU HEAR WHAT IT IS."
- ARE YOU WRITING MY FOREWORD NOW?
IS THAT WHAT YOU JUST DID?
- YEAH. I'M SORRY.
- [laughing] IT'S OKAY.
- WELL, HOW WOULD YOU WRITE?
WHAT FOREWORD WOULD YOU WRITE FOR MY SUICIDE NOTE?
- [stammering]
"THIS LO--THE LOSS TO THE COMEDY WORLD
"IS--IS INSURMOUNTABLE.
"BUT HE WASN'T DOING THAT MUCH ANYWAY
"JUST BEFORE HE DIED,
SO MAYBE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING."
- YEAH. - [laughs]
- YEAH, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M NOT--
WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T SORT OF BEEN
PARTICULARLY VISIBLE LATELY?
[phone beeps] OH, EXCUSE ME.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD. TAKE IT, TAKE IT.
- YEAH, THAT'S--I-- NO, YOU SAID TO TURN IT OFF.
- YEAH.
- AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE
OF MISSING SOMETHING.
SO I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS IS GONNA GO.
BUT AFTER THIS, I'M GONNA GO TO THE GYM.
- YEAH.
- SO IF YOU COULD JUST GIVE ME AN IDEA,
'CAUSE I GOTTA--
I GOTTA LET MY ASSISTANT KNOW.
- WHO INFLUENCED YOU IN SOME WAY?
- I WORSHIPPED STEVE MARTIN GROWING UP.
I LOVED HIM SO MUCH.
LIKE, LITERALLY, ON MY CEILING STILL
OF MY CHILDHOOD BEDROOM, IN PENCIL,
IT SAYS, "I 'HEART' STEVE MARTIN."
- RIGHT.
- AND I READ EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM,
AND I JUST-- I LOVED--
I THINK I FIRST SAW HIM HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,
YOU KNOW?
- MM-HMM. - AND, UH,
THEN, LIKE, HIS-- HIS COMEDY SPECIALS,
HIS BOOKS,
HIS ALBUMS,
HIS MOVIES-- THE JERK AND ALL THESE MOVIES
STARTED COMING OUT.
AND I JUST-- I THINK I LOVED
HOW ABSURD HE WAS.
- YEAH, SILLY.
- THAT HE LOOKED LIKE SUCH A DIGNIFIED MAN,
BUT THAT HE WAS SO SILLY, YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
- AND, UM, I REMEMBER I--
I READ EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM,
SO I READ THIS ARTICLE ABOUT HIM,
AND IT SAID THAT HE LIVED IN LOS ANGELES,
AND HE LOVED, UH, THIS ARTIST, DAVID HOCKNEY,
WHO WAS AT THE L.A. COUNTY MUSEUM.
AND, YOU KNOW, I HAD NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE
OUTSIDE OF--BESIDES BOSTON.
I'M FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE. - MM-HMM.
- BUT WE WENT TO THE BOSTON MUSEUM,
AND I GOT A DAVID HOCKNEY CALENDAR.
AND I TOOK ALL THE PICTURES OUT,
AND I HUNG 'EM ON MY WALL, YOU KNOW.
AND SO I'M JUST THIS, LIKE,
14-YEAR-OLD JEWISH GIRL IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
WITH, YOU KNOW, PAINTINGS OF GAY MEN IN SWIMMING POOLS
ALL OVER MY WALL BECAUSE I LOVED STEVE MARTIN.
- [laughs]
WHO WAS FUNNY IN YOUR FAMILY?
WAS SOMEONE FUNNY IN YOUR FAMILY?
- NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
AND THE REASON I SAY THAT IS MY FAMILY WAS IN CHICAGO,
AND I GREW UP IN ARIZONA.
SO NOW WE'RE TO THE WOODY ALLEN INFLUENCE,
WHICH IS WHEN I WAS 13 OR 12 OR SOMETHING.
HE'D DONE A GUEST SPOT ON A MORNING SHOW
WHERE KIDS WOULD WRITE IN AND ASK QUESTIONS
ABOUT HOW THINGS WERE MADE.
AND THE SEGMENT WAS ON HOW THEY MAKE BASEBALL BATS.
AND HE TOOK US THROUGH A TOUR
OF THE LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BASEBALL COMPANY.
AND HE WAS HOLDING A BAT
AND SAID, "THEY'RE MADE OF HALVAH.
SO WHEN YOU STRIKE OUT, YOU CAN EAT IT."
- RIGHT.
- IN COMPLETE SERIOUSNESS TO CHILDREN WATCHING.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT.
- AND I SENSED THAT HE WAS JOKING.
- RIGHT.
- AND, UH, I WAS FASCINATED.
- YES, THAT--
- I DON'T KNOW ULTIMATELY, PSYCHOLOGICALLY,
WHY IT CONNECTED, BUT PROBABLY, YOU KNOW--
- YEAH.
- AN ALIENATED JEWISH MAN SEARCHING...
FOR LOVE SOMEHOW...
- YES. - IS WHAT I'M GUESSING.
- [laughing] RIGHT.
- SO, UH-- YOU LOOK, UH--
YOU LOOK LIKE MY FRIEND DEBBIE.
THAT'S REALLY WEIRD.
DO YOU GET THAT A LOT, OR...?
IT'S SAD, THOUGH, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE WE'RE NOT REALLY FRIENDS ANYMORE.
BUT, UH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. BUT, UH, YEAH, YOU KNOW...
SERIOUSLY.
IT'S 'CAUSE SHE WAS A, UM,
UH, PFFT.
NOT BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN.
OH, PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.
[laughter]
- WHAT I COULDN'T GET OVER ABOUT YOU, SARAH,
IS HOW BOLD YOU WERE ONSTAGE WHEN I SAW YOU
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT
IN THAT YOU COULD NEVER TELL WHERE YOU WERE HEADED.
THAT'S THE BEST PART OF DOING STANDUP
THAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
AND THEN IT WAS JUST SO BALLSY IN A WAY, YOU KNOW?
AND YOU'RE AWARE OF THE FA--
YOU'RE AWARE OF WHEN YOU'RE MAKING THE AUDIENCE
JUST THIS SIDE OF NERVOUS,
AND THEN YOU SORT OF RELEASE IT WITH A LAUGH.
RIGHT? ARE YOU?
- YEAH, I MEAN, I THINK, UH...
YOU KNOW, I-- THERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING
ABOUT MAKING THE AUDIENCE A LITTLE BIT UNCOMFORTABLE.
NOT FOR NO REASON.
YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO REWARD THEM
FOR THEIR DISCOMFORT. - RIGHT.
- BUT JUST 'CAUSE IT-- JUST TO FEEL.
I THINK PEOPLE, LIKE, THEY WANT TO FEEL.
- RIGHT. - YOU KNOW?
- I SEE YOU'VE GOTTEN TIRED.
I'VE SEEN THAT LOOK ON MY SHRINK'S FACE.
SOMETIMES I HAVE ACTUALLY-- [chuckles]
I'VE ACTUALLY SAID TO MY SHRINK,
"I'M--I'M--" [laughs]
"I'M KILLING YOU. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN.
I'VE DRAINED YOU."
- I COULD TALK TO YOU FOREVER,
BUT I AM GETTING A LITTLE TIRED.
- NOBODY--YEAH, YOU ARE.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU'RE THE BEST.
- YOU'RE WELCOME. NICE TO SEE YOU, AND THANKS.
- THANKS. - I'M A LITTLE SLEEPY MYSELF.
- OKAY. GARRY SHANDLING.
- DID YOU TELL ME ONCE THAT YOU PLAYED ME
IN THE ODD COUPLE?
- YES.
- IT WAS-- WHAT WAS THAT?
- MY FRIEND DAVID JUSKOW,
HE--HE PUT ON THESE LIVE SHOWS,
UM, THAT WERE LIVE THE ODD COUPLE.
AND ONE OF THE EPISODES WAS THE EPISODE YOU WERE ON.
AND, UH, HE HAD ME PLAY YOU.
AND I JUST WORE, LIKE, A BLACK TURTLENECK,
AND BESIDES THAT,
I DIDN'T DO ANY KIND OF IMPRESSION.
I DIDN'T DO, LIKE, MARTIN SHORT'S IMPRESSION OF YOU
OR ANYTHING.
I JUST, LIKE, TALKED LIKE THIS.
- AND THE AUDIENCE LAUGHED? DID THEY--
- NO, IT BOMBED. - IT BOMBED.
- NAH.